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This never will be right with me [entries|friends|calendar]

You've got your shotgun loaded with excuses.times!!!;;;
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[16 Feb 2010|02:51am]
Sometimes I still feel like you are meant for me.

even though I know you're so so so wrong for me.
at least the way you are now..You were my perfect match but now..you're..not you.

I just can't forget you.

We should have never stayed for so long. What the fuck were we thinking?! we were too young.

And when I have you I hate you..because you're no good. You treat me so wrong.. But I feel like you used to be so amazing? Meh.

Who cares.

I've been doing so good lately.
(really!? omgz!)

[09 Feb 2010|12:34pm]
Why is everyone apparently "in love" with me now? except the boy I was in love with for years? lol, whatever.
he ran into my knife 2 timetimes(really!? omgz!)

ignore this. this is me just writing about nonsense. [22 Jan 2010|01:27am]
When I let you get deep down beyond my surface. when I roll my eyes think so far back into my head that it hurts. That's the layer of pain you've never heard of.

an infectous desease hiding right winthin me. not even time will allow you to ever see straight again. are you looking at me? do you know everything? can you see my disease? is he better than me?
trouble standing so tall knees bent, facing the wall. hands up to my face my screams are all that I taste. my heart hurts everyday my stomach has shriveled away. Too much time spent in the sheets remembering you were with me. Something innocent but lost a line of dust and two shots. Looking tattered and thin- is this what happens to him? still inked on my brain like a faded tattoo, pain I can re live if i looked back and wanted to.

Lost inside my mind looking for the right path ive been feeling this since years ago when you left. looking for the person you once were and not finding a match, your face is the same but our lips arent attached. there is no fuel, no electricity, too tired to talk. why cant you just tell me you love me when you're not getting off. you cant hide your hurt from me ive scarred you for the rest of our lives it seems
I drink until I can't remember what hurts. I get it, I do this to myself. I can relive this pain even with out your help. This is the type of thing they warned you about, I fell in that hole and I can never get out.
he ran into my knife 1 timetimes(really!? omgz!)

[02 Jan 2010|12:08am]
I'm so far from reality that I don't even know if its worth coming back
So what do I have left besides this lipstick stained cigarette?
This is becoming a movie to me, I'm watching myself
The people around me just become a soundtrack
I nodd, smile, and say yes when needed.
I don't stop until I get enough.
I won't stop until the bottle is empty.
She calls my name but it's only an interruption to my thoughts.
We're all in the same room, but to me it's just me and my mind.
I repeat words over and over in my head until my thoughts are interrupted again
why why why why why why why why
are you there vodka? Its me, tiana.
It's just me and you now, you'll provoke me to cry myself to sleep
but i'll do anything to be able to not feel my heart beating in my ears anymore.
Like a hammer against cloth. Don't look for me, i'm lost.
distractions are all that's left and thats the best part yet
a synonym for friends I don't even care to see again.
and dont they all know that i'm just a fucked up girl.
but we're all fucked up aren't we? That's the reality of it.
My pain wouldn't be real if someone else didn't plant it inside me like a bomb.
He loves to watch me explode. Don't they all. I imagine he smiles as he read this. My pain is his pleasure. And my pleasure was just the assurance I had him. He'll never know his significance, and I'll never know why.
he ran into my knife 2 timetimes(really!? omgz!)

[01 Jan 2010|07:27pm]
You said you love me but you let me go again.
You say you love me but you're busy with your friends.
You said we tried but by we you mean I.
I swore Id never let you go again but I am.
I swore Id fight for you but I have no fight left.
I was only there so you were not alone
I was only there because I am all you know.
(really!? omgz!)

[25 Dec 2009|04:04am]
You're out in left field, and lacking interest. You fight the boredom but it makes no difference. Your mental health kid, that's what's in question. Keep acting obscure, we'll keep them guessing. The moment ideas are conceived, they'll be out of touch, obsolete. They're faking champions hand picked, and all the fights have been fixed. You wake to suffer through the day, trade a dream for the pay. Well here's the fact, I hope it sticks - you're just alive out of habit.
(really!? omgz!)

[29 Sep 2009|01:22am]
They sat for hours in a room where the walls could talk. They had their own way of talking to her. "Close your eyes, and believe his lies." You don't love me like you loved him, he thought he knew for sure. He thought he loved her much more. He knew nothing.
She stared at the wall while he went on about letting her guard down. He would love her, as long as she let him. He told her he would protect her for all eternity, as long as she would let her past go. He didn't know. Her silence was mistaken for nostalgia. "You're thinking about him, aren't you?" She grew frustrated at his accusations. Her past was so far gone, you could only visit in pictures. Pictures she had no desire to look at, yet no desire to burn. She had no desire for her past at all. All she had left was fear.
"What're you afraid of?" He was frustrated by now, too. "I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid that I will love you so hard, and you will leave me feeling like I never want to wake up again."
She knew he has always been a story teller. She's the best thing that could have possibly caught his eye. He held her almost perfect body next to his. "I swear i'll never love another."
The walls tell another story. Especially when he turned out the lights. She saw his shadow yet she didn't see her own. The walls weren't good at keeping secrets. Not like him. Someone else had been there before. Someone gave his body a tour. She could only see the movements. She wanted to know more than what the shadows could tell her. He'd never tell.
She left. She didn't even care that they watched her cry silently on the four hour train ride home. She felt as if everyone was laughing at her. They told her what would happen. Her heart was bleeding. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach. He could feel her pain from hours away. He couldn't leave her alone. He called her phone over and over. As much as she wanted to be strong, she answered every time. She told him how worthless and dirty he was. But she only answered to hear his voice. "I fucked up. Just know that I love you more than anyone ever will. I lived for you, and I will die for you." He left her a note. He said his last breath will be at the ocean lawn at midnight. She paced around her house. Her eyes were dry. She had nothing left. He deserved to die. "If you don't jump, I will push you." She encouraged him. Her thoughts were so twisted. If he jumped, his perfect hands would never touch her again. He wouldn't be there to catch her when she slipped on the ice, but most importantly he wouldn't be there for her to tell him she loved him and secretly wanted him to stay.
She drove 2 hours, back to the place where she thought she'd never return to. The beautiful island full of memories of him. Hours spent by the ocean, time she'd never get back. She walked through the dark path remembering when she told him she'd never adventure through alone, she needed him to protect her from the night. She didn't know what time it was, but it couldn't be midnight. Not yet. She got to the field. He was nowhere in sight. The sky was lit purple and the fog withed her from seeing two feet in front of her. She made her way to the rocks. She was nervous because this time he wasn't holding her hand. Her fragile self had no business on the cliff. Her clumsy feet could land her in the cracks with one wrong step. She called out his name. She waited. "Im here." His voice came from behind her in the fog. He was dressed to kill, in all black. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to cry "come home" but she didn't. He made his way to the cliff. "Why are you here?" He wanted to know. "Just go home, time to own up to my sins." He scooted to the edge. She followed. 10 seconds left until midnight. He prepared himself to jump. She tucked her hand in his. "Come with me. Everything will be okay. We're gonna be okay." He looked at her, letting the words process in his head. "But you hate me." Is all he managed to get out. She didn't want to tell him otherwise and expose her weakness. He was her weakness. "Just take me home with you, lets go back." 4, 3, 2, 1..That's just when things got unreal. The sky roared and let the rain pour. They continued to stare at each other, not letting the rain interrupt their conversion. She was shaking. Her clothes stuck to her pale, wet skin. He took her hand and headed back. It seemed like a much longer path in the rain. He took out his knife in the hand that wasn't holding hers. He didn't know what waited for him at the end of the path. She understood his doubt. They made their way out together. "Where do we go from here?" he asked. Back to the room with the pale blue walls..

this is for you to finish, i left this for you.
(really!? omgz!)

[19 Aug 2009|10:10pm]
he ran into my knife 4 timetimes(really!? omgz!)

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